I went to counseling and she told me I should journal more. I’m posting the result in case someone finds it helpful. “Let him not vow to walk in the dark who has not seen the nightfall” is a Tolkien quote (The Fellowship of the Ring p. 315). All of the references to “the island” and coming back from it are meant to use imagery from the 2000 movie Cast Away (these kind of connections are just how my brain works).

This is for everyone else who is confused about the scars on their own soul. I don’t usually write about trauma without having a point, but sometimes we humans can’t see past the “Jesus wept” part (John 11).

---

Hanna’s Journal, summer 2021

I jumped of my own accord, although it was never my idea. It wasn’t a leap of faith for me; I didn’t hear the voice of God, I only heard the question.

I didn’t know what I was doing. I was vowing to walk in the dark when I’d never seen the nightfall. I don’t think my family knew either. We were all standing & admiring that first sunset and swearing we’d walk in the dark. Of course it didn’t go well. We were blindsided, unorganized, thrown off our feet. It was a crapshoot, of course.

Now I’m back. Back from the deserted island, having survived the leap, and those years don’t weigh heavy on my face, cause my hair is cut and I’m wearing a decent sweater and I still speak politely. Sometimes I wonder if anyone has looked close enough to see the fear behind my eyes. The corpse, that the new me dragged back home. The new me is a survivor. A prey animal with small, sharp teeth and a hard, hard shell. The new me is driftwood, that doesn’t even know what’s lifting her.

I brought the island home with me.