Broken

There were lots of things, about China in general, that I wanted to post. And maybe I will sometime. I was going to now. But something happened. Lucy happened. She is everything now. Lucy is the world.

The days, and mostly the last few hours before we met her for the first time, I always felt like I should be preparing somehow. But there was not much I could do.

And nothing could have prepared me for that moment. I thought I had cleared it in my head that she was real. That she was a person, not a picture; something I could touch, and love on and hug. But I guess I hadn’t.

I was expecting to have more time to get ready (like time would help!) but we just walked into the room and there she was. It was shocking; life-changing.

I expected Lucy to be wonderful. I expected her to be beyond my imagination—but I didn’t expect her to shatter my world like this. I didn’t expect to come to pieces over her.

It’s been three years so I don’t remember everything, and I wonder if Michael shattered me like this. And I wonder how many times I can shatter before I just break. I hope it’s a lot. Or maybe I hope it’s not very many. Because maybe we’re supposed to break. Because there’s pain in this world, and brokenness. And I think it shatters God’s heart too. I’ve been praying lately that HE would give me his heart. Well, maybe he has.

We’ve had reality-checks, sure; but I’m in love. And that’s a dangerous thing. Because when you really love someone you are willing to sacrifice everything for them. I’ve worried before that after Lucy comes home I won’t be able to play by myself—swing by myself—what about reading? And writing? And in the car on the back from the Civil Affairs building, I realized: it didn’t matter. If I could be with Lucy, I would give up anything.

I’m in love. And it’s dangerous. But I don’t even care. I thought I knew what it meant to love her. I was wrong. I can’t tell you how exciting it is to be her sister. It’s not what I expected. But very few things are! And I like her the way she is. I’m glad I was wrong.

I was kind-of caught up in the fact that I WAS GOING TO CHINA at first, and I’m still excited about that, but Lucy is what’s most important.

I remember when I was on the plane, shortly after I’d spent hours trying to sleep next to my comfortably snoring parents, as I was sitting there in a total haze, only sort-of coherent; I thought, “what if this whole trip just goes over my head in a wave of jet-lag and I can’t even enjoy or really remember it?”

And then I realized: it did not matter. The trip isn’t important—it’s what we’re bringing home. ‘Cause Lucy is forever. Forever and ever and ever. That’s what family is all about: foreverness. Always being there for each other.

Lucy is a sister.   She belongs; as much as I do. And someday I’ll probably forget sometimes that we had to do without her for eight years. Someday she’ll just there. The seven of us. And it will be the most natural thing in the world.

14 thoughts on “Broken”

  1. Incredible, Hanna. If I had known you would be gushing all sorts of incredible and insightful things like this, I would have gotten you a blog sooner. Well done, looking forward to more.

  2. Beautifully said Hanna! I love your style of writing. We are looking forward to meeting Lucy too and we are so glad that she will be your forever sister! Love and Hugs, Grandpa and Grandma Rothfuss

  3. Beautiful words. Made me cry. Forever families are forever. Lucy us your sister today tomorrow and forever. You never again have to be without her. Praying for you. Enjoy each moment. And keep writing you have a way with words.

  4. What a wonderful tribute to your little sister! It is a dangerous thing to love, I agree. To put your heart out there where someone can just walk off with it! Having a little sister now gives you a glimpse of what it is like to be a parent. You love your children SO much, and they do things like drive cars, and go on road trips with their friends and eventually LEAVE home. They step outside of the little protected world you have made for them in your home. Being a sister or a parent you get a just a glimpse of what God feels towards us. I don’t think we will truly understand how much He loves us until we get to Heaven. It’s good to know that His love surpasses anything we feel, but what we feel can change lives if we live our lives in love, not fear.

  5. In tears and without words. That’s how you’ve left me, Hanna, and it’s wonderful. I love your beautiful heart!

  6. Well, while I feel compelled to respond I do not have adequate words to do so.
    Thank you Hanna for sharing your feelings; those coupled with you ability of writing causes me to feel what you feel, and in some cases grow with you.
    God is teaching you and its wonderful watching you respond. Lucy is blessed by you as I am.
    I love you and keep “pen” in hand along side of your open heart.
    Gpa. R

  7. Thank you Hanna…the boys and I are enjoying your adventure long distance and praying (RIGHT NOW!!!) you are not in a haze anymore…like sleeping right now…2 AM your time…and that dear Lucy is peacefully sleeping next to you…savoring all of the newness with you and that God is knitting your forever family together…until you get home and get to knit in the other precious members!!!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *